Click on this thing

I Can Feel You

By: Nutz

Presented by:
Xenogears: The Nisan Sanctuary

Author's Note: This fan fic is my second, but it's the first one I ever got to finish. It poses major spoilers, so if you haven't reached disc 2 of Xenogears, don't read this one. These are all Miang's words and muses, and the only things other characters said are enclosed in ""s. I won't say the timeline of this story, but I guess you can figure it out. Comments are really welcome! ^_^ As usual, all Xenogears characters are copyright of Squaresoft.

It had been what, more than a million years? I had never felt this cold before, much, much colder than I ever was. This body is numb, and I feel so helpless sprawled on the floor like this. Somebody, help me…

Help me… this woman is… bleeding…

The poor thing. I never thought I could be having any memories shared with her. Of the Gazel, of Ramsus, of the awakening. Her strife, the persona I have engulfed, was she… a good woman? Was she like Karen, that last body I felt dying?


Ah, Karen, I could still feel your pain… the anger you've kept while we both watched your son writhe in agony. I've known how you endlessly struggled past me as we saw how your young one sulk in the shadows, all alone, all confused. You never did leave, did you? I can still hear you in my dreams, crying for a mother's vengeance, clawing me for retribution.

But Karen, you know how much we loved your son. I cared for him too, didn't I? Wasn't I the one who helped you surface on that moment when your child was about to die? That very split second the air was filled with blood, yours and mine, that place where we both lay lifeless on the tear-soaked earth? Can you remember it? It still is fresh in my mind. Your son cried like crazy, and we both were witnesses as his anger and self-hatred took form. You see, you cannot blame me, and you must not blame yourself. We both tried saving him.

Karen, as we shared our thoughts, all that is yours had became mine. He was my son too...

True, it might have been my fault we got killed. But Karen, like you I have a duty. A mother's duty. I cannot turn my back on my obligations. A parent cannot forget all her other children just for the sake of one.

But do I have a choice?

No, heaven will curse me if I choose to go against it. Karen, this is the path I am damned to take.

Forgive me… for I cannot forgive myself…

The floor seems so cold, and yet this puddle of blood is so warm… yes, I can feel it all… see all of them vividly as they cower at what Kahr has done to himself. Ramsus, my poor, beloved Ramsus…

"You all deceived me…" his voice, that once firm voice seems like a child's now. Ah, Kahran seems so confused, isn't he, Karen? The way your boy was when he stared into our eyes, he cannot believe how numb our irises were when he lay down there screaming for his mother. Your child was such a strong boy, but it was a pity he had to go through all those tormenting tests and experiments.

And Kahr, he was once a boy too, Karen. Just like your child. We both saw him grow into manhood, didn't we? Krelian was so overwhelmed of his new test tube creation that we were the first ones to see this "Cain clone". Too bad your boy was better than Kahr, maybe that's the reason why the clone was regarded as trash.

But what is this? I can feel her, this woman's thoughts as we both lay sprawled on the floor… has she mustered up the courage to batter on my conscience too?

Kahran may have been a clone, but he was never trash.

Of course he wasn't. Oh, do I feel a tint of angst here? I know you loved him, yes I do. We both felt that way, woman. I loved Kahran from that very moment he came to be the leader of the Elements, that moment he, Jessiah, Hyuga, and Sigurd were sworn to be our protectors. Do you think I have no feelings?

I am human too.

Kahran was too much of a man for us to resist. He excelled in many things and was the perfect mate of your dreams. But woman, remember that your dreams are my dreams too. I wished for Ramsus to be ours, and it came to pass that we did get what we wanted, didn't we? We both lay astounded as we fixed our eyes into his; we lay motionless as he ran his fingers over our very being; and we both moaned in ecstasy as we gave in to his passion. His lips were the most sensuously exciting things I have felt in all my existence, and I never felt bliss more than I had with him. Yes, woman, I felt it all.

But woman, even if I'm human, I still have my obligations. I must set aside my feelings from my will, and thus I had to hurt him, the man I so love. I had to deceive him, use him for my purposes.

Forgive me… for I cannot forgive myself…

"Elly, Elly, are you alright?" Karen, oh Karen, it is your son speaking. Can you hear him? Oh see how he is now so robust and oozing with zeal. Karen, you must be so proud of him. I might take this chance to redeem myself, ask him for forgiveness, but I cannot. All I can ever do is lie on this puddle of blood, suffer the agony I share with her, the woman that is dying with me…

Pain… can you feel it?

Now what is this? It's happening again, that sensation of nothingness, of void engulfing my very being. I feel so alone, shadows all over me, the dark swallowing my existence… Wait! Karen, woman, please do not leave! I may have dealth a lot of torment on you both, but for all the eternity I have served as the advocate of the heavens, never have they given me the true sensations you two have shown me!

No! Do not fade away like the others have! I want you to remain with me, be part of me until I find rest!

"Bang!" The gunshot echoed tragically all over this wide, dark room... This room where I was suppose to find my final retribution. But I fear it is not over… I can now see clearly with replenished vision, all of them who are gathered to see and oppose the fruits of my endless crusade for duty and salvation.

And on the other side of the room lay that woman, still bathing in her own blood, what was once also my blood. I silently wept for her. In front of me was Karen's child, the confused look back in his brown eyes.

Just like the way he looked at me when I first claimed the body of his mother.

Now what have I just done? Karen will surely detest me for this… I just have… shot his own son. The boy who was once my child. But there is no voice… I can no longer feel her, for Karen has left me, nor can I feel the woman who held the same passion for Ramsus as I did.

All I can feel is Elly… how she rages within me as we both saw how this man in front wither like a fallen flower over Hyuga's arms.

Elly, oh Elly, I can feel your anguish. This man, Fei is his name, isn't it right? I can see how you love him, I can feel how much you want to break out and collect his body in your arms, near your chest… near your heart. Elly, you do not know how much I also cared for your Fei, how much I know how to love a man…. how much my heart also bleeds…

But Elly, I have my obligations as you do… we are the damned, and the heavens loom before us. The moment has come for me to awaken you to your detested responsibilities. Can you feel it? The pain of helplessness I held all these centuries, the tragedy of being a mere pawn, the suffering you ran away from? Elly, we are now one, in body and in thought. It is about time someone feels my own pain. Come, Deus awaits us.

Forgive me Elly… for I cannot forgive myself…



MORE AUTHOR'S NOTES: Er, sorry if this one read like crazy, I spent just two hours finishing it. I sort of wrote without thinking, and I was just imagining what Miang was thinking on that very moment she was killed by Ramsus. I guess I got carried away, sorry. ^_^

So that's about it, just mail me any comments, I'll be more than happy to read them all! ^_^

-- Nutz